“The future depends on what we do in the present.”

It is Saturday morning and 3:39AM now. I got up early in the morning again, the house is quiet. There is no body here now to cheer me up, to keep my mind occupied. Thousands of things are running through my mind and it instantly reminds me about my lover. She usually says "I am thinking of hundreds of things in my head right now".

There are many things that remind me of her. Actually everything is somehow having her image in there. I was listening to the song "Mua hoa bo lai" ("The left behind flowers"). I remember when we first met. I tried to translate a section of the Vietnamese song to English for her

"Life would eventually sweep away everything. For the young, mischievous autumn (the man), you are forgave, even thought you were late. I am the little flower (the woman) in the garden, i am sorry for could not being here with you. I was dieing in this garden's corner waiting while you were still wandering somewhere"

I listened to this song 10 times at least on the way i drove up to Boston and every single time, i thought about the dream that my lover had after i translate the figurative meaning of the Vietnamese song. She is so romantic and my heart got squeezed again. I don't want an ending like in the song.

There is another song that i just caught the meaning of it during the drive too "Van co em ben doi" ("You are still in my life") of TrinhCongSon. There is a sentence in the song that sticked to my head and my heart "For every healed wound, there will be a joy, there will be happyness".

I am praying to God right now to let our wound heal faster and each of us on each side of the wound will be the other one's joy, will get back together whenever the wound closes up to heal itself.

6:30AM and I was trying to get some more sleep when i felt a breeze went through the window. I felt a chill on my back. I tried to wrap my arms around me to get warmer. My heart squeezed again. You weren't there to hug me from behind to keep my back warm. You weren't there in front of me to keep my chest warm. I instantly found out why the breeze got me cold. There are so many empty space around me whenever you are not there. Now i understood your feeling whenever i tried to push you away from me.

God, please has my phone ring, please let me hear her sweetest voice from the speaker "Baby, let go home and fix our family with me!"

Are you a person of Faith? I do not pursuit any body to become a Christian or Catholic follower. I just want to pursuit you on one thing. No matter your believe is, no matter who you believe into, and no matter Who you would call as your highest God, Please have Faith. A person without Faith would face with many challenge, hatefulness. A person without Faith would have no love but just loving himself and it would be the beginning of many many destructions.

Here is my true story about Faith.

I was in a edge of breaking down from some of the issues that happened to me lately. I had two choices; stay in my room to let the issues eat me up slowly and painfully, or i would take some actions to keep my mind occupied and let time does his work. I took the second option.

I was driving from Blacksburg, VA to Maryland and Boston to visit some friends. It was not the right choice as i talked to myself during the drive. Tears were from my eyes after a couple hours at a friend house and hours after i started driving. I was still full with hatefulness, angry and the idea of revenge was in my mind too. The idea of revenge was an evil idea, i would kill them all, all the people that caused me this pain. The evil idea grown bigger and bigger in my mind. It gave me a sweet poisonous feeling. There was no image of God in my mind at the time. I started to feel exciting with all those ideas in my mind then i approached closer to a 18 wheelers truck.

I was commuted back and forth from school and work since 2004 on highway so i have been seeing so many different kinds of trucks but this one was a different one. In my own believing, this truck was mean to be there by God to save me from committing more sins.

The above picture is of Saint Michael, the protector saint for many many people. That was the image that i saw on the back of the truck. I did not put much attention to it and with all the exciting revenge ideas in my mind, I accelerated my car to pass the truck. Then again, a message that saved my life and taught me so many things in a few hours after that.

"Got problems: ... Have faith in God"

"What the hell is that. I don't give a shit, i am in pain now and only revenge can bring peace to my mind, only revenge can make it even." A long cursing idea sparked off my mind.

There was a shocking feeling went through my body and my mind. I had let the devil took over my mind, and I had push God and my lover away from me. I had been putting my needs and wants above others'. That was how the devil got into me, that was how i lost not only my last battle but also the whole last war. I was not facing the challenges with the right things, I challenged them for my own benefits, my own happiness. I could not win the devil that way. The only thing that i could gain from being with devil is forever damages, forever losts.

I busted out crying again, tears were on my face, fall down on my arms. Tears covered my sight that it was so hard to keep driving. I cried out so loud and biting my lips so hard could not stop it(damn it is still hurt now). And at that moment, i saw everything clearly. I was pushing God and my lover away from me, but God is always there for me, and at that painful moment, that hardest moment of my life, the moment that i did not understand where i got the strength to keep carry on. I did not carry on nothing, God was carrying me on His back and i kept bringing more evil thoughts that made it heavier, heavier on His back.

(I am crying again while i am typing there words but not because of the pain, it is because of happiness now. )

I quickly realized the thing that i needed to do. I need too put my Faith in Him. I needed to know that God gave all of us many choices and all of them are for good. But behind His back, the devils also put down their traps, pretty, sweet but poisonous traps. It is a hard game. God could not make the choice for you, the devils did not push you into their traps either. You are the one who make the decision to pick God's choices or fell into the devils' traps. The only weapon that could help you to win this war is having Faith in God.

I started to prayed, and thank you Mom, your old classic pray is always the wisest one. I prayed to God to give me the bright mind to make the right decision. I did not prayed Him to take my pain away, i did not pray Him to carry out the revenge for me, i did not pray him to put me in a position that i could get some pretty lovers. I remembered the lesson from my Mom "you always pray God to give you the bright mind to make the right choice, the right strength to fulfill your choice, the believing so that you keep having more Faith in Him".

For the next couple minutes, I prayed as if i would not have a chance to pray again. Shit, if i got myself into an accident on the road driving like that, i would not have any other chance to pray. I was still crying but i started to feel the devil hands stop squeezing my heart. I started to feel the hatefulness left me, i could feel the revenge ideas are falling off on the side of the road. Those revenge ideas were so pretty, they smelled good and look so damn good, and through my rear mirror, i saw them getting smaller, smaller and disappeared into the horizontal line behind me. The sky is still bright in front of me but i could see the dark behind me too.

(Call me bull shit or whatever the hell that you want to if you don't believe it)

I started to pray for my lover and for her happiness. Everything was happened for some reasons. I might see the result but i might not bright enough to understand it. However in my own believing, if i have Faith in God, there would be no harm any more. If something that happened because it was His Will, then we should obey it. If it was a painful thing, it must be because we are trying to get out from some of the devils' traps. If it was sweet and full of happiness, it must be because we picked up one of God's choices. It is always a Win-Win for having Faith in Him. But any mistake must be paid off somehow, you could get the pain once but free forever, or you could choose to stay still and be strapped and hurt forever.

I chose to free myself. I prayed for more strength, then i started to pray more but not for myself anymore. I started to pray to the ones that i love, that i care about. I started to feel the happiness came into my heart. I busted out crying again but this time was because of happiness. I found the light house that could lead my ship through the storm of my heart, my mind, my life.

I got over my hard time, heart breaking and breaking down just as simple as that. I still afraid that i lied to myself so i kept checking my feeling in the next four hours driving to Maryland. The hurting feeling came and went but it was not as hurt as it was. I arrived in Maryland around 11:00PM and got some drinks with my friend. I was still checking my feeling, and it got better. We went to bed around 2:00AM, i was half sleeping but was still checking my feeling, and it got better. I got out of bed to get some water around 5:00AM, the feeling came back, it hurted this time, and it hurted bad. I laid on bed and prayed again. In a couple minutes, the pain went away, the sorry feeling came in, the regret feeling came in, I kept praying and they went away a little bit.

I am still praying to get over this hard time but having my Faith into God is really helping a lot. Just a little bit to sharing with every one and expressing my faith and good feeling. But i am still in a hard time and hoping that i would not step into any devils' traps.